poem in progress

This weight upon my chest impairs my breathing;
I cry out for relief, but none I find.

I NEED A V A C A T I O N !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just read a blog entry by Mary DeMuth, that mentioned a writer's retreat at Laity Lodge.  The best part about this particular post is that she mentioned a website I could visit, to try to win a trip there myself!  SWEET!  The link is http://www.laitylodge.org/writers-retreat-ii/ .


The contest involves writing an essay, explaining why I "Need to be there."  I can do this, I thought. My year has been one that BEGS for a vacation getaway!


Right now, my stress ceiling is fast-approaching.  My husband has been off work this week (involuntary vacation-plant shut down).  There have been a few too many of those this year.  He told me that he lost the equivalent of a full paycheck in August...Ugghhhhh!


This mandatory vacation time has left him too much time to think about his impending layoff.  The place he works at is closing down most of its Oregon plant, and relocating it to Indiana.  Moving to Indiana is out of the question, because the industry my husband works in is not stable enough to risk moving halfway across the country for.  He could be out of a job any day now, but I'm hoping for the longest end stretch possible. The Holidays are coming up, you know.


I know how devastating layoffs are to my husband. We have weathered a few over the years.  The last one lasted six months, and it wasn't pretty!


Add to my husband's stress a bit of my own stress at work.  I work in a busy Doctor's office, that employs about nine Providers (Doctors, Physician's Assistant, and a Nurse Practitioner).  Today, our office found out that the Nurse Practitioner was leaving the practice, effective immediately.  This has left the front office (me included), with the daunting task of calling all the patients who have appointments with said Nurse Practitioner, and explaining to them that not only is their appointment cancelled, but that they also have to find a new Healthcare Provider.  Knowing how much I trust my Doctor, I would be devastated if he left his practice all of a sudden, so I can imagine what these patients are going through.  Today was spent playing the part of listener and diplomat--(EXHAUSTING, to say the least!!!!)


Combine my worries about my husband's situation with my work situation, my looming anxiety disorder and an ongoing battle with depression, and you have the perfect recipe for something very scary!  I feel my walls crumbling, (and I don't just mean the dry-rotted wall in the bathroom-LOL)!


It would be wonderful to get away somewhere, especially a writer's retreat!  It sounds like pure bliss...(I hope I win... ;D


Rhea

Reflections re: Utter Dependence on my Heavenly Father

“Though I am weak, I walk in the strength of utter dependence.” -Lysa TerKeurst

The above statement has seemed to become my mantra lately. Between hormonal shifts, stressful life events, adapting to many new circumstances and expectation changes at once, and not to mention my tendencies toward depression and anxiety, I am often left feeling utterly helpless.

I had been taught from early on, (not with words, but just as powerfully-taught), that I was not to be an inconvenience. I was to take care of myself, (unless my caregiver felt on a certain day like taking care of me). I have never thought of being needy or dependent as a “strength.”

Society preaches the opposite sentiment. Women especially are expected to be "self-relient and strong." The feminist movement was pioneered by women who wanted to show that they were strong and powerful. However, now that I think about it, it takes a certain strength, or courage more like, to be willing to admit to utter dependence, even utter dependence on God. God knows that, and I believe that is why he spends so much time drawing us to Him, urging us to lay down our guards and accept His help.

An illustration of my need for utter dependence on God in all areas of my life happened just earlier today. I said some idle words at work today, and these words sparked some hurt in a coworker. I immediately felt chastened, and found myself praying on my way home from work, “Set a guart over my mouth, Lord.”

I find that I struggle more with these “little” sins when God is trying to do a big thing. Satan knows my buttons, my weaknesses, and he is more than thrilled to capitalize on them…More often than not, I take his bait, and find myself with the choice of either trying to hide my sinfulness, (trying to to clothe myself with fig leaves, so to speak), or running into the arms of my Abba Father, to confess, and ask forgiveness.

I know I must pursue His forgiveness, and fall into the arms of my Heavenly Father, because there is too much at stake in the lives of those around me, to turn away and hide from God. Satan wants my sin to render me ineffectual for Spiritual battle. He doesn't want me to be able to contend for my family, my friends, my community. He doesn't want me to find strength and comfort from my compassionate Heavenly Father. He would rather that I be bogged down by condemnation, fear, anxiety, or any other similar obstacle he can throw in my path.

So, on that note, I will close with the same quote I started with:

“Though I am weak, I walk in the strength of utter dependence.” -Lysa TerKeurst