Never Alone

05/12/09

Today, I read a Devotional from T Suzanne Eller, with Proverbs 31 Ministries, titled, "What's your story?" She encourages every woman reading to see that they each have a unique story to tell. I went to her blog next, and she offered an entry into a drawing, for anyone willing to share a small part of her story. I started writing, not knowing what was going to be said. I ended up sharing a lot more than I bargained for, but could not bring myself to erase it, even if I knew I was "preaching to myself." In the process of writing, I felt the same comfort I was meaning to convey to someone who may be reading. Here it is--uncut, unedited.

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Hi there.

Thank you for your encouragement to see each life event as a potential learning experience and story. Right now, my experience includes a relapse of depression, and it is really a struggle.

I have had a life filled with blessings, challenges, learning experiences, embarassing moments, moments of great fun, and times that are side-splittingly funny. Some wise person once said that “He who can laugh at himself will never cease to be amused!”

I have also had times of intense pain, heartache, fear, anxiety and depression. I have had times where others told me that Christians should not feel depressed. It made me feel such shame. I became anxious about being anxious, so to speak–judging and condemning myself in my struggle, instead of allowing God to take my hand and walk through the dark time with me.

I don’t share this so you can feel sorry for me. I share this because I know that there are other Christians out there that struggle with depression, and feel they must either pull themselves together, or struggle alone.

I also know that Jesus himself felt a plethora of emotions while here on earth. He had times of laughter, times of sadness (as that little oft’-quoted verse says, “Jesus wept”), and that in the Garden of Gethsemene, he was so deeply-troubled that he sweated drops of blood in his distress. He felt human emotions, but did not sin. He was also not afraid to pour out his heart to God, pleading before his betrayal, “If there is any way, take this cup from me.” We all know that he submitted to God’s will, but his humanness dreaded going to the Cross, knowing that God Himself would have to turn His back, as Jesus carried the sins of the entire earth on his shoulders.

As humans, we will experience a plethora of emotions also, but because of what Christ Jesus did on the Cross, we will never have the ultimate anguish of God turning our backs on us. He is there–He already knows what you are feeling, so share it with him. Pour it out to Him. You can’t shock Him. You can’t make Him not love you. You can’t make him turn His back on you and leave you. He is there. He is love. He is the peace you long for.

Wow! I’ve said a lot more than I intended to say! Have a blessed week!

gallerhea
gallerhea@yahoo.com

Finding Hope

I have been reading a book about a man, who grew up with Asperger's, a form of Autism. While reading his words, I have been repeatedly amazed by his courage, to try things that would seem impossible...like creating a smoking guitar for a major rock band , joining the Corporate World, as a high school dropout and social "misfit," etc.

I went to visit his website, johnrobison.com, and was drawn to his blog. He wrote a piece lamenting on the sharp downturn of the economy. It reflected the fears and desperation of so many around me.

I felt a tug at my heart to leave a comment. I am not one of those "stand on a soapbox" type of people, but I felt such a sadness at all the outpourings on the page, that I wanted to infuse some hope. Here is my post.

"I couldn't leave this comment section without some words about hope. What is your hope? Where does your hope come from?

This has been a difficult question for me over the years. Just a couple of years ago, I was having suicidal thoughts daily. These thoughts were not the product of a failing economy, but it does not matter what the source of that hopelesssess was--it was just as real and desperate as the voices I have read in these posts.

Yes, the economy is bad. Yes, my husband, like so many's husbands, is unemployed--3 months now.

That is why I write. I am doing a disservice to myself, and to others, to be overcome by hopelessness. I was drawn out of suicidality, partially, in reading a book about children who have lost their mothers. I have also been pulled out of the pit of hopelessness by something, AND SOMEONE, much more powerful.

Jesus is my hope. I have heard that said by many a religious one, throughout my life. Growing up around believers did not give me this hope that I now possess. This hope only is possible by a personal relationship to the supreme life-giver.

I know that I may offend some with my post. I have lived a life of people-pleasing, of avoidance of "making waves." Part of my depression was due to being afraid to be who I am, being afraid to voice my feelings, my beliefs.

I don't want to stand on a religious soapbox; rather I just want to pass on the same words of life, that have been passed to me as a lifesaver, in a time that I was drowning.

Below are some words of life, of hope--from the greatest book ever written...

"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, 'Where is your God?' These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." -Psalm 42:1-5 NIV


1 "Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.

2 From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

3 For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.

4 I long to dwell in your tent forever
and take refuge in the shelter of your wings."

-Psalm 61:1-4 NIV


1 "I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him.

4 Blessed are those
who make the LORD their trust,
who do not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods. [b]

5 Many, LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare."

-Psalm 40:1-5


11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."
-Jeremiah 29: 11-14

I hope this is of encouragement to even ONE person. It will make this post worth the world to me.

"For God so loved the world, he gave..."
-John 3:16a

-Gallerhea

Identity

I remember being told, about 15 years ago, "You wear your heart on your sleeve, Rhea!" Inside, I thought, "No I don't. That would be too messy."--LOL!

I remember being recently told, "You are a closed book, Rhea. You always have on your smile, but you don't show what is really going on inside."

Wow! What a contrast! It's not like I have any illusions about being this complex person, but I can see that in different settings, I can act in totally different ways.

At work, I am sometimes silly, often moody or contemplative, or sometimes just downright contrary!

At home, I am usually very tired, often grumpy, and have a difficult time being tolerant with misbehaving children. (All 3 of them....LOL!)

Then there is church. I have attended church faithfully, not because I am "Super Spiritual Woman," but in the past years, because my husband views me taking the kids to church as his "FREE TIME!" On the few occasions that I showed any indication that I wasn't going, I was usually met with poorly disguised anger, consternation or disgust.

So, whether happy, tired, depressed, suicidal, or anywhere in between, I would drag my body off to church, with 2 fighting children in tow. (They would fight getting dressed, throw fits in the driveway, and generally send my temper into orbit!)

Arriving at church, I was almost always late, (at least 1/2 an hour), would find a spot in the back, or on the floor by the sound system podium, and do my best to be invisible. Sometimes, I would get a panic attack, and be unable to stay in the service. This is when I would just get the kids off to Sunday School, then take myself out of church for a 1/2 hour walk, then sneak back into my customary spot in the back of the church.

Thankfully God was not content to leave me this way. He has sent a couple of people that I can be real with, good or bad, and not feel condemned or "freakish."

God has even used the circumstances where I have confided in the wrong person, (only to have it thrown back in my face), to teach me.

I am SLOWLY learning that my identity as a child of God is not dependent on whether I can be happy all the time. It is not dependent on whether I can put on the best "church face" or even whether I can keep my melancholy feelings at bay. Jesus loves the "Eeyores" just as much as he loves the "Tiggers."

This is a comforting thought. I can be content to live as one who is being molded into a vessel that God can use, and if I don't turn out perfect the first time, God doesn't give up on me. He just starts over if need be.

-Rhea