I remember being recently told, "You are a closed book, Rhea. You always have on your smile, but you don't show what is really going on inside."
Wow! What a contrast! It's not like I have any illusions about being this complex person, but I can see that in different settings, I can act in totally different ways.
At work, I am sometimes silly, often moody or contemplative, or sometimes just downright contrary!
At home, I am usually very tired, often grumpy, and have a difficult time being tolerant with misbehaving children. (All 3 of them....LOL!)
Then there is church. I have attended church faithfully, not because I am "Super Spiritual Woman," but in the past years, because my husband views me taking the kids to church as his "FREE TIME!" On the few occasions that I showed any indication that I wasn't going, I was usually met with poorly disguised anger, consternation or disgust.
So, whether happy, tired, depressed, suicidal, or anywhere in between, I would drag my body off to church, with 2 fighting children in tow. (They would fight getting dressed, throw fits in the driveway, and generally send my temper into orbit!)
Arriving at church, I was almost always late, (at least 1/2 an hour), would find a spot in the back, or on the floor by the sound system podium, and do my best to be invisible. Sometimes, I would get a panic attack, and be unable to stay in the service. This is when I would just get the kids off to Sunday School, then take myself out of church for a 1/2 hour walk, then sneak back into my customary spot in the back of the church.
Thankfully God was not content to leave me this way. He has sent a couple of people that I can be real with, good or bad, and not feel condemned or "freakish."
God has even used the circumstances where I have confided in the wrong person, (only to have it thrown back in my face), to teach me.
I am SLOWLY learning that my identity as a child of God is not dependent on whether I can be happy all the time. It is not dependent on whether I can put on the best "church face" or even whether I can keep my melancholy feelings at bay. Jesus loves the "Eeyores" just as much as he loves the "Tiggers."
This is a comforting thought. I can be content to live as one who is being molded into a vessel that God can use, and if I don't turn out perfect the first time, God doesn't give up on me. He just starts over if need be.
-Rhea
